Absolution
by I-Love-Capn-Raydor
Summary: Sharon is falling apart. Andy wishes he were strong enough to be the one to hold her together. *also starring Brenda Leigh Johnson as herself *technically complete as of chapter 7, but I might revisit this universe in the future, so if you see chapters above 7, treat them like epilogues
1. Chapter 1

Andy rolled over, and the absence of Sharon's warmth pulled him out of slumber. He looked at the rumpled sheets and sighed, swinging his legs over the edge to stand. He padded out into the living room, stifling a yawn, and sat down next to Sharon.  
"Are you still troubled by shooting Dwight?"  
"Not, really, no." Sharon replied, but her eyes slid away from his as she spoke.  
Andy watched the line of her jaw tighten around the lie, and kissed her hand. He mumbled something reassuring, and headed back to the bedroom. He loved Sharon more than he ever thought possible, and he knew that right now, that wasn't enough. Climbing back under the covers, he snatched his phone from the nightstand, and sent a brief text.  
"I can't help her with this. She needs you."  
He darkened the screen, and lay back. There would be no response tonight.

By the end of the next day, Sharon was a tightly wound piano wire of nerves, and Andy checked his watch frequently enough that Provenza noticed, and suggested that work should be the first priority. Just as the clock tipped over the hour, he felt the subtle vibration of his phone. He swiped the screen, and closed his eyes in relief.  
"on level 3, bring her to me."  
Andy moved with purpose, and pushed into Sharon's office with a perfunctory knock, plucking her jacket from the hook behind the door. She peered up at him, a slight frown on her face. He shook his head.  
"No arguments, just take a walk with me, please?"  
" Andy," Sharon sighed, gesturing at her paperwork strewn desk, "can't it wait?"  
"No." He answered simply, holding up her coat. "It can't."

They rode the elevator in silence, and the tension made Andy's heart ache. She wouldn't be happy with him for this. It might be the end of them, but he couldn't take one more night of her hollow voice, and her sad eyes. The doors slid open, and he settled his hand on the small of Sharon's back, gently leading her to the only kind of salvation that really worked. As they rounded the corner, he felt her stiffen in realization. He thought he heard her whisper a prayer, and then she was moving willingly away from him, and he watched as she crumpled into the slender arms that embraced her. He walked away, but the hushed sound of Sharon's quiet sobs, and Brenda's soothing voice followed him all the way to the elevator.


	2. Chapter 2

**Absolution Part 2**

Sharon didn't know what to think. She buried her face in the familiar planes of Brenda's shoulder, and tried to calm the sobs that shook her body. She took a deep breath, and the scent of Brenda's magnolia lotion was like coming home. Brenda rubbed Sharon's back, and stroked her hair, and held her like something precious, which was more than Sharon expected, so when Brenda pulled away, she wasn't surprised. But then Brenda was walking them around the bumper of a ridiculous canary yellow Miata, and pulling the passenger door open.

"Mind your head when you get in, that door frame is deceptively low." Brenda said, gesturing into the interior of the car.

"What are you talking about? I have work, and, " Sharon began to protest, but Brenda cut her off with a sharp shake of her head.

"You're taking the rest of the day off. I waited until the end of the day, which is reasonable, and aren't you always saying I should be more reasonable? Get in."

Sharon folded herself into the bucket seat, and Brenda leaned in, and pulled the seat belt into place, the brush of her hands feather light and gone so quickly that Sharon wondered if she'd imagined them. The click of the buckle was loud, and Brenda pulled away and stood up straight, closing the door gently, before walking around to the driver's side and getting in. She keyed the ignition, and the engine purred to life, and Sharon could feel the potential energy rumbling beneath her. Brenda backed out of the parking space, and drove out of the garage slowly, but once they were on the road, she cut a glance at Sharon out of the corner of her eye.

"The captain of Major Crimes should be able to get me out of any tickets. Right?" she asked lightly, chuckling when Sharon sighed. "that's what I thought." And then she put the car in gear, her movements fluid and well synchronized between the clutch and the gear shift, and then they were flying down the highway at speeds that rendered Sharon speechless.

"I heard about what happened in the courtroom of course. I wasn't friends with Rosen, but he was a good guy. I'm glad you took down the bastard that shot him. I suspect you're over there feeling guilty about not feeling guilty, and I think that's why Andy thought I might be the one to help you work it out. But first, I think I need to apologize."

Sharon shook her head, but Brenda kept talking anyway.

"No, listen. After everything from before - you were a very good friend to me. I knew it then, but I wasn't in the best place for noticing the little things, because there was a lot of big stuff cluttering up the view. I like my job now, but I don't think you realize how much I wanted to hate you for having the job I loved. I couldn't, of course, because I loved you, but I was awful to you, and you were absolutely right to walk away from me. I am so sorry for hurting you, and I am glad that you've got a good man in Andy. I know a little something about what you're going through, and I want to help. Not because I think it'll make things right between us, and I don't expect you to forgive me, but please Sharon, let me help you. I'll beg if you want me to." Brenda kept her eyes on the road as she spoke, but she could feel the weight of Sharon's gaze. The silence stretched between them.

"I don't feel guilty about killing a man. He was a bad man, to be clear, but he was a son, and a friend, such as he was, and I took him away from people who loved him, and I don't feel bad about it. I cast around inside myself every day, waiting for remorse to hit, and I am numb. I don't want to be numb. Doesn't that make me a monster just like him?" Sharon asked, her voice flat and dry.

"Do you remember when we had that case with the depraved reject fireman?" Brenda answered Sharon's question with a question.

"Of course. The would be manifesto bomber." Sharon nodded.

"I didn't feel an ounce of guilt for shooting that man in the head. I took a kill shot on purpose. I could have gone center mass, his scuffle with Gabriel had jarred his vest out of position, and I had a clear kidney shot. He might have survived it. I chose not to take that risk. Do you think I should have? Do you think I made a bad call?" Brenda slowed down as she pulled up to a house Sharon didn't recognize. She parked as she waited for Sharon to answer.

"Where are we?"

"The old house had too many ghosts, so this is where I sleep and shower now. Don't judge, I've only been here for 3 years, but I have wine, and clean glasses, and the whole evening free. That's how we do therapy in Georgia." Brenda reached over the center console and unbuckled the seat belt that held Sharon in place, and then unbuckled her own. She hopped out of the car, and pulled the passenger door open for Sharon with a flourish.

Inside, Sharon understood what Brenda meant. The house was small, and sparsely furnished, although the hugely overstuffed floral sofa took up the bulk of the living room. Brenda kicked off her heels, and waved at the couch.

"Sit! I'm going to get the wine and I'll be right back. "

Sharon stepped out of her heels and curled up on her side of the couch. She plucked her glasses off, and set them on the IKEA style coffee table. She ignored the framed photo of herself and Brenda half embracing, laughing at a joke long forgotten. Her head ached. She closed her eyes.

Brenda paused at the threshold from the kitchen, and swallowed back the tidal waves of regret and desire that rose up at the sight of Sharon back in her spot on the couch, her head leaned back exposing the pale column of her throat. She wondered if Andy knew about the way nibbling the junction of neck and collar bone made Sharon moan. She decided she didn't want to know.

"Stop staring. It's disturbing." Sharon said without opening her eyes. Brenda laughed and moved into the room, setting the wine down on the table, and sitting on the other side of the couch. The middle cushion was a reminder of the distance she was supposed to be keeping.

"You haven't answered my question, Sharon. Was shooting Kevin Mason in the head a bad call?"

"I cleared you of any wrongdoing myself. Of course it wasn't a bad call." Sharon opened her eyes long enough to lean forward and pick up her wine. "But the circumstances were different." She took a generous sip of wine, quirking a brow when she realized it was her preferred Malbec, and not the merlot that Brenda enjoyed.

"How do you figure that?" Brenda turned to face Sharon, tucking one leg under herself.

"He was holding a kill switch that could have blown up whole city blocks, dispersing a toxic cloud of nerve gas over God knows how many people. Wounding him put too many people in danger, so you had to take the lethal shot. Which is what I put in your report."

"How many people did Dwight shoot in the seconds before you took him down? Five? How many people were still in the line of fire? If you hadn't been there, with your accurate aim, how many more funerals would be happening over the next week? If you have no doubt that my shoot was good on the Mason case, then by your own rules, you did the right thing. Your rules, Captain. Not mine."

"Even so, I feel unsettled by my lack of emotional response. How can I truly hope to be an agent of the justice system if I am not sure of my ability to judge right from wrong? I'm aware that I had no choice but to shoot. And I know that I saved the lives of others. But, shouldn't the taking of a life, no matter how justified, inspire some sort of feeling? Relief? Remorse? If I'm being honest, seeing you again has been the only thing that has penetrated the numbness. I wasn't prepared for the possibility, and I got caught off guard. And now, sitting in this new house, on your old couch, all I feel is conflicted, and exhausted, and I don't want to think anymore. "

Brenda nodded. She spent a lot of time not thinking, and she knew that the loudest place on earth was sometimes inside her own head. She shoved her hand between the couch cushions, and fished around, pulling the remote control from the depths with a whoop. She held it aloft, and gave Sharon a conspiratorial wink, and then she turned on a recording from HGTV, and poured more wine.

Sharon tried not to think too much about the fact that Brenda still remembered her guilty TV pleasure, and had some episodes on her DVR, but curiosity got the better of her.

"You hate House Hunters. Why on earth do you have nearly 6 hours of it on your DVR?"

"Don't think, Sharon. That's the whole point. Drink your wine, and then tell me what house the hipster couple is going to pick." Brenda replied, and turned up the volume to avoid further questions.

Three episodes and some more glasses of wine later, Sharon was feeling pleasantly muzzy. She loved Andy, and so she didn't exceed a single serving of wine with dinner anymore, even though he insisted that he didn't mind. She had days where having a medicinal just didn't cut it, but she tried more yoga, and she'd gone back to using beads when she said the rosary, and that was enough. But this was lovely. She could feel the pink in her cheeks, and the looseness of her limbs, and she was overcome with an abundance of gratitude for the woman who was staying very carefully on the other side of the couch. Sharon swung her legs up and pressed her toes under Brenda's thigh.

"I had forgotten about this part." Brenda said wryly, as Sharon wiggled her toes and laughed.

"What part is that?" Sharon wondered, stretching her arms over her head and leaning back over the arm of the couch a bit, in a futile attempt to crack her back.

"Um." Brenda's voice cracked in her suddenly dry throat. "The part where you turn into an ornery lush, and make it your goal to vex me into next week." She tore her eyes away from the swell of Sharon's breasts beneath the stretch of fabric.

"Well, after 5 years, a week is hardly any time at all. I'll have to work harder." Sharon giggled, pulling one foot out from under Brenda and waggling it at her.

"I'm sorry." Brenda whispered.

"It's okay. I still love you." Sharon fluffed her hair over her shoulder, and poked Brenda in the shoulder with her big toe.

Brenda caught her leg at the ankle, and pulled Sharon's foot into her lap, pressing her thumbs into the arch to massage. Those four words echoed around her head and heart like ricochet bullets. Sharon groaned happily as Brenda squeezed the heel of her foot, with one hand, and pushed back on her toes with the other.

"I wish I could believe that." Brenda whispered, as she worked the ankle joint, tracing the Achilles tendon gently up to the slope of Sharon's calf.

Sharon was on fire. Every place Brenda touched turned to flame, licking up her nerves to stoke a slow burn in her belly. After all the days of feeling nothing, this was almost too much. And though she suspected that Brenda hadn't meant to say that out loud, she heard it clear as a shout.

"You can." Sharon sat forward, and put her hand on Brenda's shoulder. "I have had a long time to move beyond the hurt, Brenda. I left, but I never stopped loving you. I expected you to reach out to me, and when you didn't, well, I won't lie, that hurt. But I still love you. Of course I do."

Brenda closed her eyes, and chewed the inside of her cheek to keep from crying. She knew what Sharon meant. And she knew it didn't mean the same thing it would have meant if she'd been able to say the words. But Brenda wasn't here to make things harder for Sharon, so she took a deep breath, and lightly dragged her nails across the sole of Sharon's foot.

"Yeah, you just love my footrubs, I know your game, Cap'n." Brenda started to work her fingers more firmly. She would be the best friend Sharon ever had. She would tell Andy the best way to make an egg whites omelet, and show Rusty how to change the oil in the car. She had missed her chance to be the one, but she could help. And that would be enough.

Sharon flopped back and greedily pushed her other foot into Brenda's lap. She'd forgotten the surprising strength of Brenda's hands, the slender, tapered fingers belied the hours spent learning to knit and whittle in Georgia, and how to handle a gun in DC. And as the tension melted out of her, she surrendered to the sensations. Brenda dutifully gave the neglected limb a thorough working over, and then, the wine, maybe, or the slightly disheveled appearance of the normally impeccable Captain Raydor, or nostalgia, Brenda wasn't sure what possessed her, but she moved on from the safety of the ankle, the unspoken boundary of propriety, and she kneaded Sharon's calves, tracing the line of muscle round to the shin, and back. Brenda refused to think about the caps of Sharon's knees. The hem of the tweed skirt resting just above, on the soft warm skin of her thighs. She just kept working the tension, down the calf, and back to the foot, one side and then the other. The whole world was right here in her hands, and Brenda excelled at saving the world.


	3. Chapter 3

**Absolution Part 3**

Brenda was focused. Sharon took advantage of that, and studied the face of the woman she had loved enough to leave 5 years ago. Brenda looked very much the same, a little older, a little harsher around the mouth and eyes. And there were endearing flashes of silver stranding through the blonde. But mostly, nothing had changed. She still looked at Sharon like a starving woman who'd happened upon a feast. Sharon still felt a little thrill at that sort of naked desire. But if love was a fire, Brenda was an inferno, uncontrolled, dangerous, and utterly compelling. Andy was a hearth fire, steady, warm, and safe. Sharon felt boneless under Brenda's ministrations. The stress of the week had been a palpable weight, and then it was gone. She shivered as Brenda's knuckles brushed against the back of her knee as she kneaded a particularly stubborn knot.

"Are you cold?" Brenda asked, her hands stilling.

"No, I'm okay." Sharon was a little embarrassed by the rasp in her voice as she replied.

"I think," Brenda began, pulling her hands reluctantly away from Sharon's legs.

"Don't think. Don't stop. Please don't stop."

So Brenda didn't stop. But she didn't continue, either. She stayed right there in limbo, with Sharon's bare legs in her lap. She scraped her nails up the length of her shins, pressed her thumbs into the dip of muscle along the sides of her calves, and tried not to remember the times she'd traced the same track with her lips. She pinched the soft spots on Sharon's ankles, and breathed through her nose, as Sharon moaned a little, and shifted her hips. Brenda was careful. She kept her eyes away from the shadowed drape of skirt, and she certainly did not look at the constellation of freckles on Sharon's inner left thigh, like a trail of breadcrumbs. Her mind helpfully filled in everything Brenda was not looking at.

Sharon was tired of being careful. She waited until Brenda brought her hands back to her knees, and then Sharon reached out and laid her hand over Brenda's.

"I'm sorry." Brenda said, stilling her hands again.

Sharon didn't answer, but she threaded her fingers with Brenda's, and moved their hands in tandem, up over the bump of her kneecap, and onto her thigh.

"Sharon, I think you're a little tipsy still." Brenda was impressed with how steady her voice sounded, even as Sharon used their hands to push the hem of her skirt up a little further.

"I know what I'm doing." Sharon husked.

"I think you know my mama raised me better than to take advantage of a lady in a vulnerable state." Brenda ignored the way Sharon's muscles flexed under her hand.

"It's not taking advantage if I am asking." Sharon dipped their joined hands to the sensitive skin of her inner thigh. "And I am asking, Brenda. Please. I am asking for this, for you, for us."

Brenda ground her teeth. And she pinned Sharon in place with a level stare, letting her walls down just for a few brief moments. She let every bit of love, and sadness, and relief, and regret, and desire show on her face, in her eyes.

Sharon was undone. She licked her suddenly dry lips, and asked a single question.

"Still?"

Brenda made a noise that was half laugh, half sob, and nodded.

"Always, Sharon. But you have a different life now. A good life, with a good man who loves you." Brenda let her fingers drift along the smooth warmth of Sharon's inner thigh, tracing the smattering of freckles with her thumb. "It would be the easiest thing in the world, to let my hands keep going. It would be effortless, to lay you back right here, and map the whole of your body with my fingers and my mouth, and I want... "Brenda's voice cracked, and she cleared her throat, continuing, "I want you. I want to feel you, and taste you, but the fact is, I don't have the right to do that, anymore. I pushed you away from me, and then I was too scared to ask your forgiveness, and now... But it doesn't matter what I want. It doesn't matter, and this is not who you are, Sharon. I can handle you with Andy. I can just be your friend. But if we do this, you will hate me for it, and I can't deal with that."


	4. Chapter 4

**Absolution Part 4**

Sharon closed her eyes. She knew that the right thing to do would be to sit up, and put her legs on the floor, and then call Andy to come pick her up. Brenda was right, and she did have a different life now, but here on the ghastly flowered sofa, with Brenda's hands on her, and Brenda's voice in her ear, and Brenda's scent wrapping around her like a blanket fresh out of the dryer, Sharon was having a difficult time remembering the reasons to be responsible. And maybe she was tired of being responsible. Maybe she was tired of considering the consequences, and wasn't that something, when Brenda was the moral compass.

"I wouldn't hate you." Sharon said after the silence had gone on for too long.

"Then you would hate yourself, and that's even worse." Brenda replied.

Sharon's face crumpled, and she inhaled sharply, because she was going to cry, and she didn't want to do it in front of Brenda, who was trying so hard. She hauled herself into a sitting position, and pulled her legs away from Brenda's hands, and stood up quickly. A little too quickly, as it turned out, after half a bottle of wine and hardly any food. The world tipped on its axis, and then Brenda was standing just behind her, looping her arms around her waist, and sitting them both back down. She held Sharon's hips to settle her more comfortably on her lap, cradling her close.

"You forgot to eat today, didn't you?" Brenda asked softly. Sharon nodded, and the tears she'd been trying to hide came pouring out all at once.

"I am going to murder Andy Flynn for not feeding you. He had to have known at least part of my approach to feelings is to get drunk enough to admit I have them." Brenda said blithely, as though she wasn't aware that she was holding a lapful of sobbing Captain.

Sharon knew better, because as soon as the tears fell, Brenda's arms had tightened, and she'd started carding her fingers through Sharon's hair, with one hand, and rubbing her back with the other. This made Sharon cry harder.

Brenda kept talking. "Obviously I'll have to tell him that you're awful under stress. I think you lost 5 pounds in the week after I shot Stroh, before I noticed you weren't eating. Maybe I can ask Amy to start a candy drawer, I know you won't have one because you actually use the drawers in a desk like a civilized person, instead of just using the surface as a perfectly good filing system. Honestly, I'm pretty sure it's unnatural to be able to see your whole desk blotter, probably the 11th commandment, "thou shall not keep a ridiculously tidy desk" or something. Or! Rusty's boyfriend is a chef, right? Do you like his cooking?"

Sharon angled her face to see Brenda's, and frowned.

"How did you know Rusty had a boyfriend? Or that his boyfriend is a chef?"

Brenda blushed to the roots of her hair.

"You know he has to see Hobbs for trial prep. I may have twinkled at that paralegal with the buzz cut and the rainbow tattoo, and she tells me when he's on the schedule, and I bump into him most times. He's really a good kid. You've done an amazing job with him."

"You flirted with a paralegal to find out when my son was going to be in the building? For what purpose, Brenda?" Sharon sat up and wiped her eyes.

"Um. I was checking in on you, initially. He wasn't too forthcoming in the beginning, but I wore him down. Course, he wore me down too, because I'm pretty fond of him now, but don't tell him I said that." Brenda smiled sheepishly.

"You could have just called me. You could have just asked me." Sharon punctuated her words with a shake of Brenda's shoulders. "I told you then, I would wait for you to be okay with my taking your job. I thought you would call me after a few weeks." Sharon felt a fresh wave of tears pressing against her eyes, and she blinked to beat them back. "At the very least, I thought you would answer when I called."

Brenda shook her head. "I wanted to call you the same night you left. As soon as I heard your car drive off. But I was awful to you. I said terrible things, and I treated you like the enemy, not like the woman I love. I didn't call, because I wanted better for you. Someone who wouldn't make you cry like I did."

Sharon stared down at Brenda, incredulously.

"You didn't answer when I called you."

"How could I say no to you? I knew my resolve was only as strong as the silence that held it. But I also know that I'm not good at relationships. Two divorces, two affairs, and countless other less serious breakups have shown me enough about myself to know that you could do better - and I was right." Brenda's voice was thick with emotion, but her eyes were dry.

"You were right?" Sharon asked sharply, fisting the fabric of Brenda's shirt in her hands. "You were right?! If that's true, then why am I here? If that's true, why are you planning to make my detective waste a drawer on a candy stash? If you were right, why does it matter what Gus does for a living? If you were so damned right, I would be at home, wouldn't I? If you were right, it would be Andy holding me, wouldn't it? If you were right, I wouldn't be able to do this." And she surged forward, capturing Brenda's lips in a desperate kiss.

Brenda froze as the sensation of Sharon's lips on hers registered, and then she was kissing Sharon back, her mouth tasted like wine and tears, and Brenda couldn't think her way through the desire that slammed into her. She had missed the little noises Sharon made, the soft gasps and whines of pleasure, and Brenda wanted to spend her whole life drawing those sounds out of Sharon. She tangled her hands in Sharon's hair, deepening the kiss, and swallowing Sharon's delicious moans as their tongues touched for the first time in far too long.

Sharon hadn't let herself remember what being with Brenda had been like, she'd locked up those memories and feelings and they'd stayed locked up until now. But the way Brenda kissed her, the sensuous play of her tongue, the gentle nip of her teeth, and the wine and chocolate taste of her made Sharon throb with need so potent it hurt.

Brenda wanted to tilt Sharon's head back, kiss her neck, and feel the quickening of her pulse in the hollow of her throat. She wanted to feel the weight of Sharon's breast as she teased through the lace of her bra. She wanted to ruck that demure skirt up to the point of indecency, and make Sharon blush under the heat of her hands. But Brenda couldn't do what she wanted, because she was already breaking the kiss, and pulling gently away.


	5. Chapter 5

Sharon felt Brenda pulling away, and she knew if the kiss ended, Brenda wouldn't be surprised twice, so this was her only chance. She cupped her hands along Brenda's jaw, and drew her back into the kiss, dragging her teeth across Brenda's generous lower lip. Brenda gave a little whimper of pleasure, and Sharon felt a fresh wave of arousal tightening in her belly. She trailed a single finger down the length of Brenda's arm, taking her hand and bringing it up to her breast. Brenda groaned from the back of her throat, even as she rubbed her thumb over Sharon's nipple through the fabric of her shirt.

"Please, Brenda." Sharon whispered against the kiss, arching into the touch. "Please... "

Brenda pulled back from the kiss, and took a deep breath. She caught Sharon's gaze, and licked her lips.

"You don't know what you're asking. Because how can I love you tonight, and let you go tomorrow? How do I do that?" Brenda asked, as she moved her hands to the buttons on Sharon's blouse, popping them free one at a time. "I have spent the last five years loving you from afar, loving you in my mind, and thinking I'd never get the chance to be with you, like this, ever again." She pressed kisses to Sharon's collarbone, nibbling the spot that made Sharon moan. She slid the blouse off of Sharon's shoulders, and rubbed her hands up the planes of her back, flipping open the clasp of the white lace bra. She pulled the straps down, and then the cups, and licked a trail around each nipple. "I am going to love you so good. I'm going to take my time, and memorize the flavor of you, and the noise you make when I lick the back of your knee, and the way you move when I bite the skin that stretches over your hip bone." Brenda slid her hands up under Sharon's skirt, and pressed a thumb against the ruined scrap of satin. "Gonna love you with my hands and my mouth, over and over." She reached around for the zip at the back of the skirt, and dragged it slowly down. She pushed at Sharon's hips, encouraging her to lift up, and she pulled the skirt and the panties off, and settled Sharon back on her lap, kissing her breathless.

Sharon was a conflagration of want, and as Brenda expertly divested her of every stitch of clothing, her nerves jangled beneath her skin. The more Brenda spoke, the more Sharon burned, and when Brenda finally kissed her again, she threw her arms around Brenda's neck, and held her there, suckling on her lips and tongue. Brenda's hands were everywhere, pinching diamond hard nipples, smoothing the soft skin of Sharon's belly, drawing patterns on the quivering muscles of her thighs, and Sharon burned still, the coarse fabric of Brenda's dress pants scratched deliciously against her, as she moved her hips, seeking the friction that might quell the flames that consumed her. Brenda kissed along Sharon's jaw, and down her neck, and over the heated skin of her breast, before flicking her tongue over the pink pebbled nipple, keeping it steady between her teeth. Sharon twined her fingers in Brenda's curls, and dragged her into another kiss.

Brenda leaned Sharon back on the arm of the couch, and shifted out from beneath her, covering Sharon's body with her own. Sharon shivered at the sensory overload as Brenda held their bodies together, the silk of her shirt and the rasp of her pants inspired goosebumps from head to toe. Sharon gasped as Brenda slid her hand between Sharon's thighs, and bit her earlobe at the same time.

"So wet. Is this all for me?" Brenda whispered, pressing her thumb through damp curls, and lightly stroking.

"Yes, I.. Please." Sharon whimpered, her hips moving restlessly.

"You don't have to beg. I already told you, I'm going to take care of you." Brenda rubbed circles with her fingers, gathering the evidence of Sharon's need. She teased, and touched, but she never dipped inside. She could feel Sharon's thighs trembling as she bucked against her hand, and she pressed the heel of her palm against the ridge of bone, and traced her tongue around the shell of Sharon's ear. "I know you're close. I can feel the beat of your heart here in my hand." She squeezed, increasing the pressure, and letting her index finger slip slickly around. "Do you want me inside you?"

Sharon nodded, scratching her nails along Brenda's back. She hooked her leg up over Brenda's hip, and cried out as Brenda pushed three fingers deep inside, keeping her thumb in place at the apex of sensation. And then Brenda was moving, using her body to drive her questing fingers in a steady rhythm that focused the fire in Sharon's nerves down to a very specific inferno, and her breath was hot against Sharon's jaw, and the slip of silk against her painfully hard nipples all proved to be too much, and as Brenda whispered to her, Sharon threw her head back and keened as her body clamped down in spasms of pleasure around Brenda's fingers.

"So beautiful. I love it when you fall apart for me. Love the sounds you make, and the way you hold onto me like you might drown if you let go." Brenda held Sharon tenderly, and dropped kisses at her temple as she whispered in her ear.

Sharon turned her head, and found Brenda's lips. She kissed in the lazy, sated way that Brenda remembered from before, and if that broke Brenda's heart, she decided not to mention it, and kissed Sharon back. Then she pushed herself up and stood, holding a hand out to Sharon.

"What are you... " Sharon murmured, but stopped as Brenda raised her eyebrow.

"I am retiring to the bedroom. You are welcome to join me." Brenda replied with an exaggerated accent and a half curtsy.

Sharon accepted the hand up, and Brenda pulled her into an embrace, that warmed her from the inside out. Then Brenda grabbed the wine bottle, and led the way to the bedroom.


	6. Chapter 6

Sharon clutched the headboard, and gasped as Brenda's teeth flashed against the tender skin of her inner thigh. Glancing down, she caught sight of Brenda's wickedly arched brow before coherent thought became impossible. Brenda licked in long, agonizingly slow stripes, gripping Sharon's hips to hold her steady. She dipped her tongue between the slick swollen lips, and sucked gently on the straining bud, watching as Sharon tossed her head back and moaned low in her throat. Brenda could feel the quiver in Sharon's thighs as the sensations began to overwhelm her, and she doubled down on her efforts, sliding her tongue deeper, and guiding Sharon's hips in a slow roll against her face. Sharon let go of the headboard with one hand, and pinched restlessly at her nipples. Brenda sucked hard, and drove the tip of her tongue in the fluttering circles that always pushed Sharon over the edge, relishing the way she could feel the pulse of muscle against her mouth. She gentled her rhythm as the aftershocks that shook Sharon's body tapered off, and kissed her clean. Sharon, in a maneuver far more graceful than it should have been, given the amount of wine she'd consumed, shimmied down from her perch on Brenda's face, and lay down beside her. Brenda pulled her close, and flipped the covers up, cocooning them from the slightly chilly air. She stroked her fingers through Sharon's hair, gently untangling the locks.

"I have missed you, Brenda." Sharon said quietly, her lips at the hollow of Brenda's throat.

"I know, love. I've missed you too." Brenda replied, closing her eyes against the sting of sudden tears, and the sensation of Sharon's fingers tracing circles on her abdomen. She reached down and caught Sharon's hand just below her breast. "We've got time, and I suspect you haven't been sleeping well. Let me hold you while you sleep, for now."

"OK, but you are a tad overdressed for cuddling." Sharon murmured, her voice already thick with exhaustion. Brenda nodded, and without much difficulty, removed everything except her underclothes. She nestled back beneath the blankets, and Sharon pressed herself alongside, their natural positions coming back like no time had passed.

As Brenda held Sharon, listening to the soft rhythms of her breathing as sleep took hold, she considered the predicament she was currently in. Making love to Sharon was as effortless as breathing, and the time spent apart had not changed that. It felt like coming home, to slip back into warmth and familiarity of touching and tasting the woman she loved. But, she had more to consider than her own needs. Sharon would be struggling with her loyalty to Andy in the morning, trying to parse the extent of the lines she'd crossed; and although Brenda was aching and soaked in desire, she knew that allowing Sharon to touch her, to be an active participant in Brenda's pleasure - that would be a step too far. So she snugged the covers, and wrapped her arms around Sharon a little tighter, and focused on memorizing the way their bodies fit, and the little furrow of Sharon's brow as she slept. For now, they were warm, and Sharon was safe, and she was sleeping peacefully, so Brenda shut her brain off. They could figure out the rest in the morning.

Sharon awakened with a start, her heart pounding, and the iron taste of fear in her mouth. Briefly, she was disoriented, and then Brenda's hand rubbed the space between her shoulder blades, and Sharon remembered. She remembered everything, and the wine had worn off while she slept. She was an awful person. How could she have been so selfish? She took a deep breath, readying her apology, but Brenda spoke first.

"Stop it. I can hear your Catholic guilt from here, and it's interrupting my beauty sleep. I'm not of an age where that's acceptable anymore." Brenda smoothed her hand along the length of Sharon's spine, waiting for the moment when the muscles finally relaxed. "Besides, you have a habit of blaming yourself for things that involve more than one person. You did not call me, Andy did. You did not invite yourself over to my place, that was all my decision. Everything that happened after that was a choice we made together, and I just want to be very clear - I don't regret a single moment. I know that it's a little more complicated for you, and I respect that, but Sharon, I won't apologize for loving you. I hope you won't ask me to."

Sharon studied Brenda in the low light of the street lamps. The way she hadn't once opened her eyes while she spoke suggested that she was holding herself back. Her face was calm, and her hands were warm, and Sharon decided to take the gift she was offered. She exhaled slowly, and snuggled back into Brenda's side, pressing a chaste kiss along her jaw.

"Guess we should get some more sleep, then." Sharon said, grazing her lips against the crook of Brenda's neck. "Unless there's anything I can do for you?" She asked, catching Brenda's earlobe gently between her teeth.

"How long has it been since you slept through the night, Sharon? Since the trial? The only thing you can do for me, is to cuddle up here and let me hold you while you sleep. The morning is only a few hours away, so let's make the most of the time we have left." Brenda was proud at how steady her voice was, even as she pressed her thighs together against the fresh wave of arousal that surged through her at Sharon's ministrations.

Sharon felt the tension coiling through Brenda's frame, at odds with her words, but she placed one more delicate kiss on Brenda's shoulder, before laying her head down and looping her arm around and pulling their bodies flush.

"I was endeavoring to make the most of our time, just for clarity."

"Sharon." Brenda's voice held a pleading note of warning.

"I've missed you." Sharon said simply. "I've missed us, Brenda, and I just... I know that we can't go back, but. Sometimes I wake up with your name on my lips, and for a few moments, before I open my eyes, it's you I'll be waking up with, and I think... So to have you here and not be able to touch, and taste - it's difficult, and more because I can feel you denying yourself, and I don't understand why. We've already gone this far. What do you think you're saving me from by stopping us now?"

"Me. I'm saving you from me."


	7. Chapter 7

Sharon leaned up on her elbow and peered at Brenda incredulously.

"Why on earth would I need to be saved from you? I have never felt as safe with anyone as I do when I'm with you. What dangers could you possibly pose?"

"Sharon, you are with Andy now. You love him, and he loves you. Rusty is comfortable with y'all moving in together. If you hadn't needed to shoot to kill, you wouldn't be here with me, right now. Can you agree with that?"

Sharon nodded slowly, a small frown on her face.

"So you have this beautiful life, and I am so happy for you. I am not being coy when I say that your happiness is important to me - I really mean it. It's why I responded to Andy to begin with - for him to reach out to me, given what I'm sure you've told him about us, that let me know that you were in a bad place, and I know a little something about that, after all. So tonight, I was prepared to be your friend, and I tried. I have never stopped loving you, Sharon, and I wish that I could be the best thing for you, but we've already been down this road, and I haven't really changed my stripes. So. I am reasonably sure that at this point in time, I will be able to watch you walk away from me, but if you touch me like you mean it, if you give me even a sliver of hope that you still want me, I will not be able to gracefully concede. I will fight for you, and I will fight dirty, and I'll end up with you hating me before you get a chance to love me again, but what you already have - your beautiful life with a good man, and a great son? Collateral damage. I know it just as sure as I am breathing, so the answer stands. I am saving you from me." Brenda explained, heedless of the tears leaking down into her curls.

Sharon sat as still as a statue, and as silent, but her eyes never left Brenda's. Her gaze was so focused that it was almost painful, but Brenda was willing to take all the time needed to show Sharon that this was the right thing for her, and for Rusty too. The moments stretched out, the hum of the traffic from the highway a low buzz. Finally, Sharon looked away, and Brenda's heart broke. She smiled sadly, and held her arms out, folding Sharon down against her, and she placed a soft kiss against auburn waves.

"I'm sorry." Sharon whispered, her voice rough with tears.

"Shhh, love. I'm not. Loving you has always been a gift I did not deserve, but I cherish it. You don't have a thing to apologize for - not to me, and certainly not for shooting that lunatic. You have to forgive yourself, though, or nothing anyone else says is going to matter. We all make choices, Sharon, and in the end, that's all we can take with us. I don't know much about Catholic Jesus, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't want you squandering your time on this earth with self flaggelation and second guessing yourself. He put you here to save lives, and that's what you did. You are looking for absolution, but you haven't done anything wrong. You have to forgive yourself. Now, hush, and let's sleep a little, and then I'll make you those waffles before I take you home, OK?"

"OK." Sharon nodded, not trusting herself to say anything more than that.

This time, Brenda fell asleep first, and Sharon lay in the dark, listening to the steady bump of Brenda's heart. She tried to imagine the alternate universe, where the players were flipped. It sort of fell apart from the top, because she didn't think Brenda would have needed to call Andy - for all of her infuriating faults, she was preternaturally good at knowing what Sharon needed. But she pressed on, and she tried to envision Andy taking her in like a friend after 5 years of near constant silence, and that wasn't too hard - his kindness had been the first thing that had attracted her to him. But would he have been able to find it in himself to make love to her, knowing that she'd be leaving the next day? She couldn't see that one playing out. And even if they made love, would he be able to let her go because he wanted what was best for her? She knew that she was here, having these thoughts in the first place, because he'd called Brenda. She was less impressed with that gesture than Brenda was - Andy didn't really have a complete understanding of the relationship between them, and she'd been too hurt to talk much about it, so she let him go on thinking that it hadn't been that serious before the end. If he'd known, would he have risked it? She wasn't so sure - he was cautious with his love, and with good reason, it seemed. Because how could she go back to him, knowing how Brenda felt, and most importantly, knowing how she still felt about Brenda. She considered Brenda's words about forgiveness. It wasn't entirely true that she hadn't done anything for which she'd need to be forgiven. She'd let her pride keep her from reaching out to Brenda after the first few rejections. She'd been lying to herself and to Andy when she told him he was the only one she needed. Tonight had proven that lie empirically. And that was the biggest thing, wasn't it? She hadn't spared a single thought for him once Brenda's hands touched her. At every turn, it had been Brenda thinking of Andy's feelings. And suddenly, the missing piece slammed into place for Sharon. Brenda might have been telling the truth about her feelings, but she hadn't told the whole truth. No, it was a way of keeping Sharon as faithful as possible, while still giving her what she needed. She remembered an argument over a television show years ago, and Brenda insisting that there were degrees of infidelity. That letting another person touch you intimately was cheating, of course, but that it wasn't as bad as touching another person intimately. You could come back from the first one, she posited, but not the second, because you'd have to fight against images of your hands on someone else, and eventually, the jealousy would win out. It was so obvious, that Sharon nearly groaned out loud. Brenda might think she hadn't changed her stripes, but Sharon was beginning to think that wasn't the case at all. Still, she knew that Brenda was serious about everything she'd said. She knew that she'd have to go home, and tell Andy the truth - about what Brenda had meant to her years ago, and also now. And she'd have to admit that she had never really stopped loving Brenda, but she had just given up. She was going to break his heart. She definitely had things to atone for, but as she breathed in the faint magnolia scent of Brenda's skin, she thought she just might be able to find her absolution after all.


End file.
